"Flashback:1999 news report"

POPE JOHN PAUL FLATENED BY SPACE ROCK

oh my. what a tragedy for the year 1999. but wait. 2004 holds its own: ANOTHER METEOR FELLS THE POPE. yes, the Weekly World News used the word fells.
I really don't have much more to say so i'm going to include the bold print intro:

A Flaming, 900 pound meteorite
ripped out of the sky and
flattened Pope John Paul II as
He hobbled around inside a
country villa on June 7, but
the ailing holy man mirac-
ulously survived the strike--
his second embarrassing encoun-
ter with a space rock in just
five years.

holy crap. another meteor fells the pope. what are the odds folks, what are the odds?
moving on, Fisherman Nets Mermaid--And Eats Her (he thought she was a dolphin). Now wait just a second here...he eats dolphin? Just what is this man trying to do? DOOM THE EARTH is what he's trying to do--any fool knows that dolphins are aliens, right? and if we eat aliens, they'll eat us.
reading this paper reminds me of some of the writers from my creative writing classes. For example, Eskimos Join War On Terror

U.S Troops will soon have reinforcements in Iraq--Eskimos who've decided it's in their best interests to stop terrorists before they reach the Artic circle and start flying airplanes into igloos and dispatching suicide bombers to wipe out ice-fishing holes....

Who am i kidding? Even the worst of my peers in those classes weren't this bad...except for god-girl. and even she had better days.